Chaos at the Muggle Superbowl!

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The Wizarding World’s Alternate Voice

Magic runs wild during the Muggle Superbowl

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MACUSA Public Service Announcement

The SoS Task Force detected a new uncontrolled trace of magic this Sunday, February 3rd in Atlanta.

MACUSA Aurors and members of the SoS Task Force were present at the scene as part of our new Panic Prevention Program. They managed to contain the threat within minutes, with very few wounded and no casualties.

Although there were thousands of Muggles present, the security measures we keep in place for such large Muggle events ensured the situation remained under control.

Those who witnessed the traces of magic on site had their memories modified and the events erased. Our Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes deployed some newly developed long distance memory-scramblers for the millions watching the live transmission.

We want to assure our citizens that the exposure has been contained. We will continue to monitor large Muggle gatherings and ensure the magical world remains secret.

If you would like to enlist and become a member of the Statute of Secrecy Task Force you can do so here. Our official Task Force training will include brushing up on your spells and curses, honing your reflexes and training you to act at the first sign of danger. You will also be the first to try the new Magical-Muggle technology to keep our activities secret: The Wizards Unite App. 

Remember: our world is in danger, and we must all help to protect our way of living.

The Calamity across the pond

There have been an increasing number of Calamity-related reports in the last few weeks. But none of them is as terrifying as what happened last Sunday in America.

Muggles were celebrating an important sports event called The Superbowl. According to sources from the Muggle Studies Department at the Ministry, this event centers on a final match where two teams play what Americans call Football. This sport is somewhat similar to Quidditch, although all the players remain on the ground throughout the game. They also use only one ball that they can either kick or cradle in their arms as they run across the field.

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Despite these strange rules, this is considered an extremely popular and important event. A few thousands of Muggles watch it on location (Muggle Stadiums are significantly smaller than ours). Millions more from various locales or their own homes through Muggle Televisions.

If you read the MACUSA official statement regarding the event, you would probably think something almost innocuous happened. Perhaps another flock of riderless Nimbus, or some other out-of-control piece of Quidditch equipment acting erratically. They want to keep the public calm and pliable. Completely unaware of the extent of the event.

But here, at The Quibbler, we will always tell you the truth. However frightening it might be.

What really happened

A member of the SoS Task Force stationed in America contacted The Quibbler early Monday morning. MACUSA’s decision to lie and downplay the events that happened at the Muggle stadium is one he doesn’t agree with. He believes all witches and wizards should be aware of the danger The Calamity really poses. He also hopes this knowledge will make more people want to join the fight and enlist.

A first person account:

As a Muggle-born, I have always followed Football. I felt lucky to be part of the Superbowl Panic Prevention Program.

At first it seemed like every other Superbowl, but then I began to notice some strange things. There were a few times when the Rams (one of the two teams playing) came close to a  touchdown (this is how they score) and then seemed to trip or drop the ball at the last second.

I immediately alerted the rest of the team. Most of us agreed that it was probably some witch or wizard attempting to skew the game results. A few tracking spells later we located the culprit, a wizard wearing a Patriots cap (the other team playing) and large sunglasses.

However, as we began to approach this wizard, we noticed the entire crowd around us had gone completely silent. When we turned to the field we saw all the players standing still, eyes wide, heads turned up towards the stadium’s open ceiling.

Playing with Fire

Above us, three Hungarian Horntails flew in circles, seemingly measuring the ceiling opening before diving in. Thanks to our extensive training, we were able to cast a wide Confundus Spell on the Muggles just before the dragons landed in the middle of the stadium.

Despite Horntails being the most vicious of all dragon breeds, they did not immediately attack the Muggles around them. In fact, all three dragons seemed almost in a haze, turning their heads left and right as if looking for something. Perhaps whatever had lured them into the Muggle stadium. Or whoever is actually behind The Calamity.

superbowl dragons

Thankfully, this gave us members of the Panic Prevention Program enough time to act. Using coordinated Stunning Spells, we managed to get close enough to wrangle the dragons. Then we used Portkeys to transport them to a safe location, as per SoS Task Force protocol.

We quickly proceeded to repair the damage and heal the few spectators that were wounded. A wide memory wipe was used on all Muggles at the Stadium, and our long distance memory-scramblers took care of anyone watching the live transmission.

This left Muggles quite confused, unsure of what they had seen. But by then most of them had consumed enough alcohol that they largely disregarded the feeling.

Our SoS Task Force training and Government resources prepared us to face a threat as large as this. I believe, as do many other Task Force members, that it is important for this information to be available to the public. Every witch and wizard needs to know what is really happening, and how to be ready when The Calamity strikes again.

It is your turn to decide

Now you know what happened. You know what the government is trying to hide. Not just here, but in every other country as well. It’s up to you, dear reader, to decide what to do with this information. To make sure you and your loved ones are protected, or to join the fight through the SoS Task Force.

Just remember:

Keep your eyes peeled, your ears open and your wands ready!

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    1. Hahaha, we do take our news (and our informants) very seriously. Now that you finally know what happened at the Muggle Superbowl make sure to spread the word. They cannot silence us all!!

    1. Thanks! We do make an effort to give you all the REAL news. And just in case, now that you know what happened, if you see an Auror coming your way, be sure to Apparate somewhere safe as fast as you can!

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